one of those days

It's pretty sad how often I think the phrase "It's just one of those days" and then I automatically think about the Monica song. Seriously, it probably happens at least once a week. And I feel like - dang, when I think to myself "It's just one of those days," I should just post a blog with that music video embedded and be done with it. And then I realize that not everyone was a preteen girl in the mid-90's and will know what I'm talking about here. So much of my pop culture references are tied to being a preteen lady in the 90's, and I'm not totally sure how to move beyond that. I'm a child of the 90's and that can't be changed.

So, you know, it's one of those days. (Or one of "dem" days, if I'm being Monically-accurate).

One of those rough adult days that never seems to go away. When I was little, I remember being jealous of my parents because all of the mail was addressed to them, and I never got any mail. I was like, dang, why don't I get any mail? The Mary-Kate and Ashley Fan Club only sends one thing a month. That's 29 other days with not a piece of mail to my name... And now that I'm adult and literally all I get in the mail is junk mail and bills (but also, recently a baby shower invitation - an exciting part of adulthood), I'm like, why did I glamorize this so much? Not exciting. There's nothing fun about being an adult, except freedom, which is both exciting and terrifying. So many things in life no longer seem either good or bad - they're just equally freeing and terrifying.

Because so much of my recent adult life has been so fast and abrupt, I think I expect everything to change quickly. Emotions to fade away quickly. Feelings to go away. Situations to change within months. One thing to lead to another, so quickly. But I guess that's not how it always is.

Tonight I had a good long phone conversation with one of my best friends, and I thought, "Oh, man. If only we could live near each other." It's tough. I want the best of all worlds right next to me - and I want to be fulfilled in every way - but I'm not sure that's possible. And it's hard to live with that. It sucks. Unfortunately, not everything I love can be in the same place, and that's the worst.

So, what's the goal? Make sure those I love know I love them? Text them incessantly? Beg them to move near me? (kidddddddddddddding. kind of.). I don't know.

I have no answers tonight. Only feelings. And thankfulness. Extreme, uninhibited thankfulness, that I have people in my life important and amazing enough to warrant these thoughts. Thank you, Jesus.

And, for good measure, some of my favorite tunes of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMI_GPn0nqA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5FW8Xo8ENo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1NqAOYDZv0 (the title of this song made me tear up today. not the song. the title. yup. thank you, Jesus)

Blue Nights

Getting really excited for this lady's (should I be calling one of America's greatest living writers "this lady"?) newest book, to be released on November 1. Conveniently, that's 2 days after my birthday, so, yeah... just sayin'... if you're looking for a gift idea...

Anyway, I didn't really get into Joan Didion until reading The Year of Magical Thinking a year or so ago, and I absolutely loved it. The way she writes just makes me want to give up ever thinking about being a good writer, because she is just so damned good at it.

But alas, I'll keep reading and dreaming of the day I can articulate anything as perfectly as she articulates everything.

And I really just wanted to post this picture.

Cheers, Joan. Looking forward to 11/1.

Oh, look, here I am again. It's been about a month, so let's write another blog post, shall we?

Frustratingly, I find myself (over and over and over) wishing I could spend my life doing something more creative and life-giving (to myself, at least), and yet, I never actually write. I start thinking and I have big plans to write, and then I just go for a walk or run and think everything out, and then I'm too tired to write it all down. And I think, well I've already worked out exactly what I would've written. But that's not the same, is it? No, not at all. Because I don't feel any of the catharsis of actually sitting down and writing.

WAHHH. Why must I have the same struggles all the time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever change my bad habits? No.

This post is a pout-fest! Sorry.

Anyway, tonight I am feeling very restless and defeated. Like I have certain areas of my life that are not going the way I want them to, but I don't really know how to change them. Or, I just have one extremely specific goal, but if that goal is unattainable, I just settle for nothing to change. I'm having many of the same totally restless feelings I had my senior year of college, and that is just not a good place to be. I don't want to go back to those feelings. NO NO NO.

The way that it's different now (as opposed to the eternityyyyyyyyyy of three and a half years ago) is that I now think I have a better understanding that my personality and spirit are probably going to remain fairly constant throughout my life. So the things I struggled with then - and struggle with now - may not ever really go away. They'll probably just kind of linger. I tend to think my life is just made up of different seasons, that kind of transition into one another but are distinct. But if I'm the same person, there will be little streams and themes that weave through every single season. Right? Oooh boy, I'm really working through some things tonight! Why pay for therapy? No need. Except if you get to the end of this and think, wow, this girl may actually need therapy, then just leave a note in the comments section. That's what it's there for. Comments!

I feel very aimless, and I've found that a helpful way to deal with the aimlessness appears - at first - to read about other people who were once aimless and restless, too. Except then, their stories always continue on to a place where they're no longer so aimless and restless, and I'm not sure if that makes me feel hopeful (for the future) or depressed (for the present).

And then I think, am I just really self-absorbed? In 10 years, will I look back, and think, why was I so tunnel-visioned and worried and restless? Does it matter, since I need to live in the present, anyway, and what I'm going through now is valuable and important, since it's my life?

Ooooh OK. Enough thinking and feeling for one night. I'm really letting a lot out for one night, so let's move on so I have something left to write about tomorrow.

Time for my embarrassing story of the week: this past weekend, I went dancing downtown for a friend's bachelorette party. (A secondary story here is that I am only 24 years old and have no idea how to dress to go out dancing. If I went to the mall and was tasked with buying an outfit to wear to a dance club, I would probably choose something that Donna wore in 90210 because most of my exposure to dance clubs has been through 90's TV rather than actual life experience). Anyway, we met a group of guys out for a bachelor party, who persisted in trying to talk to the bride-to-be and buy us all shots. Look, downtown Chicago, I am now MORE than familiar with your method of making shots, which is 50 parts juice and 1 part liquor, so NO THANKS. I will keep my $10, thank you very much. But, they were free, so whatever. I'll take the free pineapple juice, I guess. Anyway, I wouldn't say I was annoyed by the guys - I just had no desire to speak to them or get to know them. Is that rude? I just didn't care. I'm married, I'm here with girlfriends, you're getting married, you're weird, you're making weird small-talk that makes me feel like I'm at freshman orientation at college again, you're probably drunk, and I just don't care about anything you have to say. So, anyway, the point of this story is: at one point, one of the guys introduced himself to me and I truly wanted to be like, "We don't have to do this. You don't have to introduce yourself and make small-talk. I won't be offended if you don't talk to me. I can just sit here and text my husband while you wait for the round of shots to get here. What other purpose is my phone serving besides making me look "busy" while I meet people I don't care about getting to know?" But, it was too late to get out of it. I was already standing there talking to him, and we were trapped in the corner booth, and there was really no non-awkward way to get out of the small-talk. So, he asked what we were going to be doing later that night and I said that we were going out dancing. And then (and this is where it just really goes downhill, for me as a human being) I said: "woohoo!" and raised the roof. Yes. The roof. I raised it. Because, that's totally normal? So the guy gave me a weird look and said, "Did you just raise the roof?" And in that moment, I knew: I am not cut out for these things. I am in my 20s and I don't even know how to specify my evening plans in a culturally-relevant way. I was slightly embarrassed, and then I realized that I had no idea why I even cared what any of these drunkards thought of me, so I just sat down. Again, is that rude? Probably.

This was probably me on Saturday night:

my monthly post

Hey, look! It's the first week of August, aka time for my monthly post. Seriously, since May, I've written once in the beginning of the month, and then just totally dropped off. I wish I could say I've been journaling, instead, but unfortunately, that's not true.

I've just been lazy.

I've watched a TON of Dexter lately, though, so I've been fairly productive. I mean, I've witnessed Dexter kill, like, at LEAST 20 people. So, stuff has been happening. Not necessarily in my own life, but in the lives of others around me. In the TV. Debra's had like, six different boyfriends. Busy times, I tell ya.

And it's getting real sad, real fast. Moving on.

So, tonight we returned from a lovely long weekend in Charlevoix. My vacations there have always gone by too quickly, for as long as I've been going there, and they seem to go by faster and faster the older I get. I also have less vacation time than I used to, so that's part of it. Isn't it crazy how you get about 5 months of vacation in college, and you're still like "ahhhhhhh my life SUCKS because I have so much homework!!" And now, when I see people of facebook complain about their college schedules I block them. Just kidding. I don't block them; I just think to myself about how they have no idea what "no free time" means.

(And yes, I'm fully aware that I'll re-read this in 5 years when I'm raising children and be like, "Hahahaha WHAT. What dumb things that girl said.")

Anyway, I was a total bum on vacation. I regress to infancy when I'm in Charlevoix, in that I lose the ability to make my own food and I take regular naps. Nap on the couch, nap on the beach, nap on a raft laying in the middle of the lake. Doesn't matter - I can and will nap anywhere.

I allowed myself to get SO out of it that I honestly didn't even know what day today was when I sat down to write this. I knew it was somewhere between August 5 and 8, but that's as far as I got. And I was so out of it - mentally - that I literally googled "what day is it?" which led me to a website called "timeanddate.com." And then I finally figured it out.

Anyway, vacation was great, but as with all great things that end, I ended up being very reflective and melancholy afterward. Because I just miss being with everyone I love, all the time. That's all I want in life. Is that too much? I've heard that your wedding is the only time in your life - other than your funeral (which, like, uhhh too late?!) - where everyone you and your spouse love are together in the same place. But that's stupid, I say! I would like to have that, like, at LEAST twice a year. What do I need to do to make this a reality? Have a baby or something? I don't want to have to play the baby card* yet, but I will threaten it. (*using the phrase "baby card" = ultimate sign of sound reasoning).

So, I will conclude this by saying I'm sad and thankful and rested and reflective. Which, all things considered, is a decent place to be in for a Sunday night. And I'm listening to Bon Iver, which is helpful, because I can be like, "Look. Dude. I may be a little melancholy tonight, but I'm in WAY better shape than you."

victory and defeat

Ughhhhhhhhh. What a day.

It's amazing how quickly the nasty side of real life can totally get you down, even after an amazing weekend.

Today I feel defeated. It was rough day at work, but I will not get into that, because I have read enough angry bloggers to know you should not blog about such things on a blog that can be traced back to you (aka anything on the internet, ever).

I've already cried twice tonight - once while watching Say Yes to the Dress (don't judge, it was emotional), and once while reading all of this Casey Anthony crap. And not like, angry or sad tears. It's not like I can't believe she was acquitted, because I totally can. It's just like... ugh. This world is so broken. That is my only sentiment from this whole case. One of my friends said it best, on (where else) Facebook:

"If she is truly innocent, may she find some peace. If she is not, may our Judge have mercy on her, as He does for us all. Above all, we have peace in knowing that her innocent child laughs in the arms of our Savior."

And that is what really gets me - that in spite of knowing that she's with Jesus (laughing! and smiling! or whatever the equivalent of what we'll do in Heaven is), life is just so hard here. And so heartbreaking. And I don't wish evil upon Casey - I just hurt for her. My heart breaks for her if she's innocent, and my heart breaks for her if she's not. Maybe that's not a popular opinion, but I just... ugh. That's where I am.

And on top of that, I'm listening to one, sad Bon Iver song over and over, which is like the equivalent of listening to Eye of the Tiger while getting ready to work out. It's just making my sadness even deeper. But, there you have it. I keep pressing the "repeat" button over and over and I can't stop myself.

I fully intended to have this, my first post in forever, be a report on the truly joyful experiences and wonderful people in my life, but.... ummm, oops? I'll save that for another time.

the dreamweaver is going loco...

In a recent post, I said that I'd write "soon" about our trip to San Francisco, but what do you know... it's a whole month later and I haven't gotten around to that yet.

I'm too busy with... whatever.

Basically, we walked and biked a lot, and ate a lot of delicious gourmet French toast. We ate a lot of good food, but the French toast stands out the most. And now we're doing a weight loss challenge but I'm like, ahhh I really want that carmelized orange French toast! Good thing it's thousands of miles away.

We saw some good friends who oriented us to their great city, and I fulfilled a childhood dream (literally) of seeing the Full House house. Years later we would find out that Uncle Joey was the inspiration for the angry-chickiest song of the 90's, and Danny Tanner swore like a sailor, and Stephanie was on meth, and Michelle is on coke (probably?), but in that little house, all was right with the world.

So, yeah, those were the highlights.

And instead of writing about everything that's happened in the past month, I'll simply share what Dave told me this morning:

Dave: "Last night, I dreamt that we were friends with Joakim Noah, and we were in Target with him, and he grabbed you. So then I beat him until he was half-dead, and then I went to jail."

Me: "We are watching too much NBA basketball and The Killing in this home."

All of that to say... we both highly recommend The Killing.

ummmmmmmmm my ovaries are crying

I saw this video posted on another blog tonight and it's too good not to pass on. To the 10 people who read this blog.

It's about a guy who writes emails to his daughter, which sounds kind of sweet, right?

Fast forward 90 seconds later, and I'm crying into my Diet Coke, sitting all alone in the apartment.