Frustratingly, I find myself (over and over and over) wishing I could spend my life doing something more creative and life-giving (to myself, at least), and yet, I never actually write. I start thinking and I have big plans to write, and then I just go for a walk or run and think everything out, and then I'm too tired to write it all down. And I think, well I've already worked out exactly what I would've written. But that's not the same, is it? No, not at all. Because I don't feel any of the catharsis of actually sitting down and writing.
WAHHH. Why must I have the same struggles all the time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever change my bad habits? No.
This post is a pout-fest! Sorry.
Anyway, tonight I am feeling very restless and defeated. Like I have certain areas of my life that are not going the way I want them to, but I don't really know how to change them. Or, I just have one extremely specific goal, but if that goal is unattainable, I just settle for nothing to change. I'm having many of the same totally restless feelings I had my senior year of college, and that is just not a good place to be. I don't want to go back to those feelings. NO NO NO.
The way that it's different now (as opposed to the eternityyyyyyyyyy of three and a half years ago) is that I now think I have a better understanding that my personality and spirit are probably going to remain fairly constant throughout my life. So the things I struggled with then - and struggle with now - may not ever really go away. They'll probably just kind of linger. I tend to think my life is just made up of different seasons, that kind of transition into one another but are distinct. But if I'm the same person, there will be little streams and themes that weave through every single season. Right? Oooh boy, I'm really working through some things tonight! Why pay for therapy? No need. Except if you get to the end of this and think, wow, this girl may actually need therapy, then just leave a note in the comments section. That's what it's there for. Comments!
I feel very aimless, and I've found that a helpful way to deal with the aimlessness appears - at first - to read about other people who were once aimless and restless, too. Except then, their stories always continue on to a place where they're no longer so aimless and restless, and I'm not sure if that makes me feel hopeful (for the future) or depressed (for the present).
And then I think, am I just really self-absorbed? In 10 years, will I look back, and think, why was I so tunnel-visioned and worried and restless? Does it matter, since I need to live in the present, anyway, and what I'm going through now is valuable and important, since it's my life?
Ooooh OK. Enough thinking and feeling for one night. I'm really letting a lot out for one night, so let's move on so I have something left to write about tomorrow.
Time for my embarrassing story of the week: this past weekend, I went dancing downtown for a friend's bachelorette party. (A secondary story here is that I am only 24 years old and have no idea how to dress to go out dancing. If I went to the mall and was tasked with buying an outfit to wear to a dance club, I would probably choose something that Donna wore in 90210 because most of my exposure to dance clubs has been through 90's TV rather than actual life experience). Anyway, we met a group of guys out for a bachelor party, who persisted in trying to talk to the bride-to-be and buy us all shots. Look, downtown Chicago, I am now MORE than familiar with your method of making shots, which is 50 parts juice and 1 part liquor, so NO THANKS. I will keep my $10, thank you very much. But, they were free, so whatever. I'll take the free pineapple juice, I guess. Anyway, I wouldn't say I was annoyed by the guys - I just had no desire to speak to them or get to know them. Is that rude? I just didn't care. I'm married, I'm here with girlfriends, you're getting married, you're weird, you're making weird small-talk that makes me feel like I'm at freshman orientation at college again, you're probably drunk, and I just don't care about anything you have to say. So, anyway, the point of this story is: at one point, one of the guys introduced himself to me and I truly wanted to be like, "We don't have to do this. You don't have to introduce yourself and make small-talk. I won't be offended if you don't talk to me. I can just sit here and text my husband while you wait for the round of shots to get here. What other purpose is my phone serving besides making me look "busy" while I meet people I don't care about getting to know?" But, it was too late to get out of it. I was already standing there talking to him, and we were trapped in the corner booth, and there was really no non-awkward way to get out of the small-talk. So, he asked what we were going to be doing later that night and I said that we were going out dancing. And then (and this is where it just really goes downhill, for me as a human being) I said: "woohoo!" and raised the roof. Yes. The roof. I raised it. Because, that's totally normal? So the guy gave me a weird look and said, "Did you just raise the roof?" And in that moment, I knew: I am not cut out for these things. I am in my 20s and I don't even know how to specify my evening plans in a culturally-relevant way. I was slightly embarrassed, and then I realized that I had no idea why I even cared what any of these drunkards thought of me, so I just sat down. Again, is that rude? Probably.
This was probably me on Saturday night:
