Help Lauren Read More!

One of my 2012 goals is to read 20 books. To some people, that may not seem like very many, but if I'm totally honest with myself, I've probably spent more time watching the E! network than reading books in 2011, and that's just really, really not OK.

I just finished Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas, which was amazing - highly recommended. So, I'm currently in that post-good-book slump where I don't want to start a new book because I don't think anything else will be as good. But that's not true, because there are millions of good books out there I haven't read - I just need to find them.

So, I've started a list of books I want to read in 2012. It's not very long, so I need suggestions. Like, if there are 20 books I need to read before I die, what do I absolutely have to read? (Like, what if I actually quit reading after 2012? Only 20 books left 'til death. So seriously - pick ONLY the best).

I like historical non-fiction, funny memoirs, sad memoirs, theology, and Harry Potter. And I'm trying to become someone who likes fiction.

Here's my list - please add your comments and additions!

1. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver - I've been meaning to read this for years, but it's just been sitting on my bookshelf.
2. The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins - Guess I need to read this by March?
3.The Art of Fielding - Chad Harbach - Bought this for Dave for Christmas. Will be borrowing it.
4. A History of the World in 100 Objects - Neil MacGregor
5. Jerusalem - Simon Sebag Montefiore - Yes, I am publicly admitting I don't know enough about the roots of any major world religion. Plus, this is Bill Clinton's #1 must-read book, so I'll probably feel pretty smart and smug reading it in Starbucks. JK but not realllllllly.

OK, so, I guess that's it. I apparently can only think of 5 books I really want to read. That's kind of sad.

So, please send me your recommendations - I need 15 more. If I read your recommended book in 2012, I'll publicly acknowledge you on this blog after I read it, and talk about how great your taste in books is, and how smart you are. And if the book is bad, I'll still be thankful that, because of your recommendation, I read a book instead of watching Kim and Kourtney Take New York.

Say Yes to the Dress. Brownies. It's a very womany night here at the 201.

(We don't really call our apartment "the 201." Although, maybe we should. It sounds kind of cool. The coolest place in a suburb of families with high-school kids, I bet ya!)

OK, so, I'm such an idiot, because I just commented on my own blog, and then in my gmail window, I saw the little "1" pop up - signifying I had a new email - and I was like, "yay!" And then I checked my email, and saw it was a notification that someone left a comment on my blog. And I was like, "Cool! Someone else left a comment at the same time!" (No, someone didn't. It was just me.)

Ay yi yi. Don't ask why seeing that little "1" elicits such an excited reaction. 95% of the time it's just a notification from Freecycle that coolmom845 is wondering if anyone has any used paper towel tubes for her kids to do art projects with. Why don't I just unsubscribe to those emails? I should unsubscribe. I'm never going to go out of my way to either give or take any of the useless crap people peddle on there.

But still. The power of getting email. Never gets old.

Anyway, tonight Dave was at class - my one night a week when I can do whatever I want. Muahahaha! Just kidding, I can do whatever I want all the time.

I had big plans to bake brownies for a Christmas party, make a big dent in the book I'm reading, clean the bathroom, and clean the kitchen.

I think it goes without saying that I didn't clean the bathroom, because, come on, that's way too ambitious for a Tuesday night.

I ended up making pasta (always the dinner of choice when Dave's gone) and watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress, so, you know, that's not really a promising start to anyone's evening, ever. I just cannot tear myself away from the drama of a woman spending $10,000 on a boring dress. It's truly incredible how much money these women spend to look average. I mean, like an average bride. I'm sorry, that was rude. All women are beautiful on their wedding days. But seriously, unless you're wearing a really unique vintage dress or something, we kind of all look the same. SORRY. I said it. We do. I know it's your special day, but you're mostly going to look the same as every other American bride in a 5-year span.

On our anniversary (of only one year, might I add), I asked Dave what my wedding dress looked like and he paused for a second and then said, "you looked beautiful." (And then I said, "don't you dare ever talk about my beauty in the past tense.")

See? Nobody cares. Just save your money so your child will be able to go to college. The manager of the store talks to these women like he cares so much about them finding their Cinderella moment and then goes home and sleeps in piles of his commission money.

(Dave did finish that conversation by saying my dress was made of lace and kind of sparkly and had "things" (hand motions over the shoulder area), so, his fashion memory was pretty good for a straight man, I'd say. But still, my point is that no man gives a crap about what it looks like.)

Anyway, what else did I do... Oh! I made brownies. My mom's recipe. And they are delicious! I'm so proud of myself for finally taking a childhood favorite and making it taste (almost) as good as my mom's. In an effort to get healthier, I decided to (mostly) give up either alcohol or sweets for the month of December. After tonight, I'm very pleased with my decision to choose to give up alcohol. Although, with the amount of frosting I licked from the bowl, I'm not sure how much healthier I'm getting.

Oh well. It's Christmas. And if you can't lick mint frosting out of a bowl at Christmas, then when can you?

Belated Anniversary Post

Look at that - we're walking away from our first year of marriage. I’m a day late on our anniversary post. And here we are on December 12 – the first day of year 2! We had a lovely anniversary, in spite of the fact that the Bears totally threw away a game in the 4th quarter. Dave was fairly unmoved by the whole thing, because he was so excited that it was our first anniversary and didn’t even care about the game. Right, Dave? Right? As much as I loved year 1, Dave and I are both really excited to have one year down, and to be moving into a new year.

I know some people say you have to date for a long time before getting engaged and getting married, because if you haven’t gone through very much with that person, how can you feel confident entering into a lifelong partnership with them? And I think that’s smart. We definitely should’ve had a couple of kids before getting engaged, because how else would I have known what kind of father he’d be? And we should’ve probably moved somewhere together, because otherwise, how would we know how the other person responds to new situations?

Seriously, though, people say that the first year is hardest, but that can’t possibly be true, because we haven’t even had kids yet, and I literally can’t believe that’s easier than adjusting to marriage. I’ve heard stories about Dave’s childhood and I’m pretty sure that unless the kids are all-Lauren, we’re in for some mischief. And even if they are all-me, we’re in for some weird, moody teenage years. Sure, there have been some hard things about this first year, and some weird one-ness things about marriage that have been difficult to get used to, like sharing a bank account. One of us has spent too much money on art projects and one of us has spent too much money on speaker wire and I’ll let you guess who did what.

But that’s all pretty surface-y. You’ll get the good stuff, like having someone to take care of you when you’re sick – and the bad stuff, like deciding who does what chore around the house. But at a deeper level, it’s been so challenging and awesome to see life through a different lens. And combining my life and vision with someone else’s. It definitely isn’t easy, but it makes us grow. And, it’s pretty fun.

When I asked Dave what he was most looking forward to about year 2 of our marriage (because I like to celebrate milestones by asking deep, vision-y questions), he said “a baby.” Oh, nope; he said, “not a baby.” He also said, “learning more about each other.” And I thought that was really cool, because even though he is my spouse and my lifelong partner, there are a lot of things I’ve still yet to learn about him, and vice versa. I thought he was pretty excellent before we got married, but since entering into marriage and living with him every day, I’ve found out some more things that I absolutely love about him:

1. He is an excellent traveler. Seriously, navigates airports and new cities like a pro. He doesn’t shy away from visiting places where he doesn’t know the language or culture. Instead, he’s just excited to explore a new place. This is very important to me, because I love going new places, and there’s nothing worse than traveling with someone who’s slow or afraid of new places. If you cannot navigate airport security like a competent human being, I will leave you in the dust.

2. He’s just an adult who knows how to do things. Single people, if you wouldn't call yourself a realist and have your head in the clouds at all, I cannot overstate the importance of this quality in a spouse. He makes real dinners with more than one dish. He remembers to change the oil. He DVRs things when I’m out of town for work.

3. He pushes me to do things I love to do. Like write this blog. Many times, he’s asked why I haven’t been writing very often, and when I come up with dumb excuses, he doesn’t let me get away with it. He pushes me to do what I love, even if I feel like I don’t have time or energy or confidence.

4. He’s honest with me. The good thing about being married to someone who’s blunt and says what he's thinking is that he’ll tell you what's really on his mind. And sometimes he’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear, but because of it, I grow and learn and (hopefully) change. Sometimes I’m too stubborn to change, but hey, it’s only year 1. Give me some time. Recently,
I told him about something I was thinking about doing, but that I thought I wouldn’t be qualified enough or good enough to do, and he said, “Why not? You could do it. You should do it.” And he was serious. He really believes I can and should pursue what I want to do.

5. He pushes me to think about what I believe. Every once in a while, when we’re lying in bed at night about to fall asleep, he’ll start a sentence with, “today, on Drudge, I read…” (or unfortunately, sometimes, “today, Rush Limbaugh said…”) and that’s when we know it’s all over. We’re going to be awake for the next two hours talking politics. And even though we have fairly different opinions, I have some of the best political conversations with him, because he has thoughtful, informed opinions, and respects the fact that I do, too. Even though we totally disagree on certain things. But he asks me tough questions, which encourage me to truly assess what I think and why I think it. For a brief moment in time this fall, we thought Jon Huntsman might bring our divided hearts together, but now that’s not looking so good.

6. He picks his battles. I’m pretty sure this is a tactic people use with their children, but I think it’s fairly useful with your spouse, too. He knows me, and knows when I’m frustrated or tired or stressed. And sometimes – in those times – I’ll say or do something that bugs him, but he knows me well enough to know when to turn something into an argument, and when to just be like, “ok, let’s just let this go” or, "let's talk about this again when you've had some coffee." I can’t tell you how nice it is to be married to someone who challenges me to live and love better, but also is full of grace and easy-going-ness (that’s a word).

Cleanin' Machine

About once a month, I get this intense urge to clean the entire apartment. Not just like, putting things away and vacuuming, but EXTREME cleaning. The other 29 days, my desire is much lower, so this once-a-month push is a big deal for me.

It normally happens when Dave is at class, which is probably a good thing, because then I can crank up my weird music mixes (tonight's mix: Christmas music, Lady Gaga, Jordan Knight (not kidding)) and spray a ton of Pledge and not bother anyone else's senses but my own.

One thing I've learned since living on my own is that I would probably never want to live in an apartment or house bigger than the one I live in now. It's pretty small, but my gosh, it's hard and consistent work to keep a place clean. If you live in a huge house and manage to keep it clean without outside help, I don't believe you.

We have ceiling fans in the kitchen and our bedroom, so part of my cleaning ritual is to dust and Pledge those blades til they're shiny and dust-free. We also have a ceiling fan in the hallway, right when you walk in the apartment. I always forget about that one, since we typically don't use the light connected to that fan. However, tonight, I turned on the hallway light and happened to look up at it. And I was disgusted. Not kidding, I think the level of dust and grime on that thing would qualify our apartment for some sort of TLC or HGTV show. Like "Dirt Fans!" - a show about people who have gross ceiling fans and are fans of being dirty. We would win that show, if it were a competition show.

So there I am, standing in the hallway looking at this fan, totally grossed out. I spent a few moments strategizing how to clean it. If I stood underneath it, surely mass amounts of dirt and grime would fall down onto me, into my hair, and I wouldn't get it out for days. Like after you go to the beach and have sand in your hair for a couple of days, even though you wash it.

But then I remembered that Dave had been Dexter for Halloween, and as part of his costume, had worn this face-mask thing. That thing was like, $14, so I figured I may as well use it again and get our money's worth.

So, there I was, standing on a chair with my bloody Dexter mask on, dusting the grime off the ceiling fan blades, with Burl Ives crooning in the background. This is the glamorous adult life I'd always dreamed of. Look at me - living it!

So, not only did I go through that disgusting ordeal - I'm also writing it down and sharing it so others can see what a competent housekeeper I am.

Anyway. Not only did I clean tonight, but I also hung up my awesome map I bought in Seattle. I have LOVED this style of map since I saw one of California about a year ago, and when I was out in Seattle, I found it at this awesome map store. I love it! It reminds me of the ocean and the mountains (two things I wish I were closer to) and a great trip. And also, it's just pretty:

oh, these are just some pretty things to look at on a saturday morning

necklace

blouse

boots

dress

one of those days

It's pretty sad how often I think the phrase "It's just one of those days" and then I automatically think about the Monica song. Seriously, it probably happens at least once a week. And I feel like - dang, when I think to myself "It's just one of those days," I should just post a blog with that music video embedded and be done with it. And then I realize that not everyone was a preteen girl in the mid-90's and will know what I'm talking about here. So much of my pop culture references are tied to being a preteen lady in the 90's, and I'm not totally sure how to move beyond that. I'm a child of the 90's and that can't be changed.

So, you know, it's one of those days. (Or one of "dem" days, if I'm being Monically-accurate).

One of those rough adult days that never seems to go away. When I was little, I remember being jealous of my parents because all of the mail was addressed to them, and I never got any mail. I was like, dang, why don't I get any mail? The Mary-Kate and Ashley Fan Club only sends one thing a month. That's 29 other days with not a piece of mail to my name... And now that I'm adult and literally all I get in the mail is junk mail and bills (but also, recently a baby shower invitation - an exciting part of adulthood), I'm like, why did I glamorize this so much? Not exciting. There's nothing fun about being an adult, except freedom, which is both exciting and terrifying. So many things in life no longer seem either good or bad - they're just equally freeing and terrifying.

Because so much of my recent adult life has been so fast and abrupt, I think I expect everything to change quickly. Emotions to fade away quickly. Feelings to go away. Situations to change within months. One thing to lead to another, so quickly. But I guess that's not how it always is.

Tonight I had a good long phone conversation with one of my best friends, and I thought, "Oh, man. If only we could live near each other." It's tough. I want the best of all worlds right next to me - and I want to be fulfilled in every way - but I'm not sure that's possible. And it's hard to live with that. It sucks. Unfortunately, not everything I love can be in the same place, and that's the worst.

So, what's the goal? Make sure those I love know I love them? Text them incessantly? Beg them to move near me? (kidddddddddddddding. kind of.). I don't know.

I have no answers tonight. Only feelings. And thankfulness. Extreme, uninhibited thankfulness, that I have people in my life important and amazing enough to warrant these thoughts. Thank you, Jesus.

And, for good measure, some of my favorite tunes of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMI_GPn0nqA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5FW8Xo8ENo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1NqAOYDZv0 (the title of this song made me tear up today. not the song. the title. yup. thank you, Jesus)

Blue Nights

Getting really excited for this lady's (should I be calling one of America's greatest living writers "this lady"?) newest book, to be released on November 1. Conveniently, that's 2 days after my birthday, so, yeah... just sayin'... if you're looking for a gift idea...

Anyway, I didn't really get into Joan Didion until reading The Year of Magical Thinking a year or so ago, and I absolutely loved it. The way she writes just makes me want to give up ever thinking about being a good writer, because she is just so damned good at it.

But alas, I'll keep reading and dreaming of the day I can articulate anything as perfectly as she articulates everything.

And I really just wanted to post this picture.

Cheers, Joan. Looking forward to 11/1.

Oh, look, here I am again. It's been about a month, so let's write another blog post, shall we?

Frustratingly, I find myself (over and over and over) wishing I could spend my life doing something more creative and life-giving (to myself, at least), and yet, I never actually write. I start thinking and I have big plans to write, and then I just go for a walk or run and think everything out, and then I'm too tired to write it all down. And I think, well I've already worked out exactly what I would've written. But that's not the same, is it? No, not at all. Because I don't feel any of the catharsis of actually sitting down and writing.

WAHHH. Why must I have the same struggles all the time? Will I ever learn? Will I ever change my bad habits? No.

This post is a pout-fest! Sorry.

Anyway, tonight I am feeling very restless and defeated. Like I have certain areas of my life that are not going the way I want them to, but I don't really know how to change them. Or, I just have one extremely specific goal, but if that goal is unattainable, I just settle for nothing to change. I'm having many of the same totally restless feelings I had my senior year of college, and that is just not a good place to be. I don't want to go back to those feelings. NO NO NO.

The way that it's different now (as opposed to the eternityyyyyyyyyy of three and a half years ago) is that I now think I have a better understanding that my personality and spirit are probably going to remain fairly constant throughout my life. So the things I struggled with then - and struggle with now - may not ever really go away. They'll probably just kind of linger. I tend to think my life is just made up of different seasons, that kind of transition into one another but are distinct. But if I'm the same person, there will be little streams and themes that weave through every single season. Right? Oooh boy, I'm really working through some things tonight! Why pay for therapy? No need. Except if you get to the end of this and think, wow, this girl may actually need therapy, then just leave a note in the comments section. That's what it's there for. Comments!

I feel very aimless, and I've found that a helpful way to deal with the aimlessness appears - at first - to read about other people who were once aimless and restless, too. Except then, their stories always continue on to a place where they're no longer so aimless and restless, and I'm not sure if that makes me feel hopeful (for the future) or depressed (for the present).

And then I think, am I just really self-absorbed? In 10 years, will I look back, and think, why was I so tunnel-visioned and worried and restless? Does it matter, since I need to live in the present, anyway, and what I'm going through now is valuable and important, since it's my life?

Ooooh OK. Enough thinking and feeling for one night. I'm really letting a lot out for one night, so let's move on so I have something left to write about tomorrow.

Time for my embarrassing story of the week: this past weekend, I went dancing downtown for a friend's bachelorette party. (A secondary story here is that I am only 24 years old and have no idea how to dress to go out dancing. If I went to the mall and was tasked with buying an outfit to wear to a dance club, I would probably choose something that Donna wore in 90210 because most of my exposure to dance clubs has been through 90's TV rather than actual life experience). Anyway, we met a group of guys out for a bachelor party, who persisted in trying to talk to the bride-to-be and buy us all shots. Look, downtown Chicago, I am now MORE than familiar with your method of making shots, which is 50 parts juice and 1 part liquor, so NO THANKS. I will keep my $10, thank you very much. But, they were free, so whatever. I'll take the free pineapple juice, I guess. Anyway, I wouldn't say I was annoyed by the guys - I just had no desire to speak to them or get to know them. Is that rude? I just didn't care. I'm married, I'm here with girlfriends, you're getting married, you're weird, you're making weird small-talk that makes me feel like I'm at freshman orientation at college again, you're probably drunk, and I just don't care about anything you have to say. So, anyway, the point of this story is: at one point, one of the guys introduced himself to me and I truly wanted to be like, "We don't have to do this. You don't have to introduce yourself and make small-talk. I won't be offended if you don't talk to me. I can just sit here and text my husband while you wait for the round of shots to get here. What other purpose is my phone serving besides making me look "busy" while I meet people I don't care about getting to know?" But, it was too late to get out of it. I was already standing there talking to him, and we were trapped in the corner booth, and there was really no non-awkward way to get out of the small-talk. So, he asked what we were going to be doing later that night and I said that we were going out dancing. And then (and this is where it just really goes downhill, for me as a human being) I said: "woohoo!" and raised the roof. Yes. The roof. I raised it. Because, that's totally normal? So the guy gave me a weird look and said, "Did you just raise the roof?" And in that moment, I knew: I am not cut out for these things. I am in my 20s and I don't even know how to specify my evening plans in a culturally-relevant way. I was slightly embarrassed, and then I realized that I had no idea why I even cared what any of these drunkards thought of me, so I just sat down. Again, is that rude? Probably.

This was probably me on Saturday night:

my monthly post

Hey, look! It's the first week of August, aka time for my monthly post. Seriously, since May, I've written once in the beginning of the month, and then just totally dropped off. I wish I could say I've been journaling, instead, but unfortunately, that's not true.

I've just been lazy.

I've watched a TON of Dexter lately, though, so I've been fairly productive. I mean, I've witnessed Dexter kill, like, at LEAST 20 people. So, stuff has been happening. Not necessarily in my own life, but in the lives of others around me. In the TV. Debra's had like, six different boyfriends. Busy times, I tell ya.

And it's getting real sad, real fast. Moving on.

So, tonight we returned from a lovely long weekend in Charlevoix. My vacations there have always gone by too quickly, for as long as I've been going there, and they seem to go by faster and faster the older I get. I also have less vacation time than I used to, so that's part of it. Isn't it crazy how you get about 5 months of vacation in college, and you're still like "ahhhhhhh my life SUCKS because I have so much homework!!" And now, when I see people of facebook complain about their college schedules I block them. Just kidding. I don't block them; I just think to myself about how they have no idea what "no free time" means.

(And yes, I'm fully aware that I'll re-read this in 5 years when I'm raising children and be like, "Hahahaha WHAT. What dumb things that girl said.")

Anyway, I was a total bum on vacation. I regress to infancy when I'm in Charlevoix, in that I lose the ability to make my own food and I take regular naps. Nap on the couch, nap on the beach, nap on a raft laying in the middle of the lake. Doesn't matter - I can and will nap anywhere.

I allowed myself to get SO out of it that I honestly didn't even know what day today was when I sat down to write this. I knew it was somewhere between August 5 and 8, but that's as far as I got. And I was so out of it - mentally - that I literally googled "what day is it?" which led me to a website called "timeanddate.com." And then I finally figured it out.

Anyway, vacation was great, but as with all great things that end, I ended up being very reflective and melancholy afterward. Because I just miss being with everyone I love, all the time. That's all I want in life. Is that too much? I've heard that your wedding is the only time in your life - other than your funeral (which, like, uhhh too late?!) - where everyone you and your spouse love are together in the same place. But that's stupid, I say! I would like to have that, like, at LEAST twice a year. What do I need to do to make this a reality? Have a baby or something? I don't want to have to play the baby card* yet, but I will threaten it. (*using the phrase "baby card" = ultimate sign of sound reasoning).

So, I will conclude this by saying I'm sad and thankful and rested and reflective. Which, all things considered, is a decent place to be in for a Sunday night. And I'm listening to Bon Iver, which is helpful, because I can be like, "Look. Dude. I may be a little melancholy tonight, but I'm in WAY better shape than you."

victory and defeat

Ughhhhhhhhh. What a day.

It's amazing how quickly the nasty side of real life can totally get you down, even after an amazing weekend.

Today I feel defeated. It was rough day at work, but I will not get into that, because I have read enough angry bloggers to know you should not blog about such things on a blog that can be traced back to you (aka anything on the internet, ever).

I've already cried twice tonight - once while watching Say Yes to the Dress (don't judge, it was emotional), and once while reading all of this Casey Anthony crap. And not like, angry or sad tears. It's not like I can't believe she was acquitted, because I totally can. It's just like... ugh. This world is so broken. That is my only sentiment from this whole case. One of my friends said it best, on (where else) Facebook:

"If she is truly innocent, may she find some peace. If she is not, may our Judge have mercy on her, as He does for us all. Above all, we have peace in knowing that her innocent child laughs in the arms of our Savior."

And that is what really gets me - that in spite of knowing that she's with Jesus (laughing! and smiling! or whatever the equivalent of what we'll do in Heaven is), life is just so hard here. And so heartbreaking. And I don't wish evil upon Casey - I just hurt for her. My heart breaks for her if she's innocent, and my heart breaks for her if she's not. Maybe that's not a popular opinion, but I just... ugh. That's where I am.

And on top of that, I'm listening to one, sad Bon Iver song over and over, which is like the equivalent of listening to Eye of the Tiger while getting ready to work out. It's just making my sadness even deeper. But, there you have it. I keep pressing the "repeat" button over and over and I can't stop myself.

I fully intended to have this, my first post in forever, be a report on the truly joyful experiences and wonderful people in my life, but.... ummm, oops? I'll save that for another time.

the dreamweaver is going loco...

In a recent post, I said that I'd write "soon" about our trip to San Francisco, but what do you know... it's a whole month later and I haven't gotten around to that yet.

I'm too busy with... whatever.

Basically, we walked and biked a lot, and ate a lot of delicious gourmet French toast. We ate a lot of good food, but the French toast stands out the most. And now we're doing a weight loss challenge but I'm like, ahhh I really want that carmelized orange French toast! Good thing it's thousands of miles away.

We saw some good friends who oriented us to their great city, and I fulfilled a childhood dream (literally) of seeing the Full House house. Years later we would find out that Uncle Joey was the inspiration for the angry-chickiest song of the 90's, and Danny Tanner swore like a sailor, and Stephanie was on meth, and Michelle is on coke (probably?), but in that little house, all was right with the world.

So, yeah, those were the highlights.

And instead of writing about everything that's happened in the past month, I'll simply share what Dave told me this morning:

Dave: "Last night, I dreamt that we were friends with Joakim Noah, and we were in Target with him, and he grabbed you. So then I beat him until he was half-dead, and then I went to jail."

Me: "We are watching too much NBA basketball and The Killing in this home."

All of that to say... we both highly recommend The Killing.

ummmmmmmmm my ovaries are crying

I saw this video posted on another blog tonight and it's too good not to pass on. To the 10 people who read this blog.

It's about a guy who writes emails to his daughter, which sounds kind of sweet, right?

Fast forward 90 seconds later, and I'm crying into my Diet Coke, sitting all alone in the apartment.

we went to san fran, and we liked it

apparently you can immediately tell who's a tourist because that they say "san fran" instead of "san francisco" or "sf" (and because of the accents... and the tennis shoes...) - but how do you live in a city with such rhyming potential and NOT take advantage of it? san fran, it is.

well, it was.

now it's back to good old illinois.

i'll have a more extensive recap coming as soon as i find our camera cord, so i can upload pictures. because what good is a recap WITHOUT a picture of yours truly outside the full house house?

but, for now, i'll just say - it was lovely:

bathing beautiful

Who's ready for summer?

Hahahaha, just kidding.

Only models in warm studios are ready for summer.

Like this girl:

And this girl:

Here's a bathing suit from a brand so expensive, they don't even list prices on their site. They just show their "collection" and then you're supposed to live somewhere fancy people live if you want to buy it. Where's the "online shopping" option? It's like they're saying, "if you were rich enough to afford this, you'd know how to buy it." Well, I don't know. And I'm not buying it. Sorry, fancy French boutique - you just lost my business (I don't think they'll mind):

Oooh but it's so pretty.

Of course, j. crew always has nice suits for classy ladies:

Do I like the suit, or do I just like this photo? Suit, or photo... suit or photo... can't decide. Maybe I don't want this girl's swimsuit at all. Maybe I just want her hair and her camera filter. Who even knows anymore:

I like this one - shimmery things just make me feel like I'm in the sun:

Thirty minutes of looking at bathing suits later... and it's still cold here.

Come quickly, summer!

home is wherever i'm with you...

I know this is kind of ancient in internet years, but I still love it:

Jesus was a carpenter... I decorated my house...

Yeah, I tried to tie this post together in the title, but I'm writing about two totally different things. Face the facts, Lauren: you're writing about Christ's resurrection and the seat cushions you bought at World Market. Stop trying to come up with a witty title.

So, yeah, where to start? Jesus? Seat cushions?

Jesus.

Although the past week of weather has been royally horrible, after last night's Good Friday service, I found some sort of joy in it. As any Chicagolandian (right?) will tell you, the past week of weather was so crappy - cold, rainy, and far too wintery for mid-April. And yet, we can't really complain, because we've chosen to live in this place.

But today is amazingly beautiful - sunny and warm.

And as we're in the midst of Easter weekend, I know we're supposed to really take each part of the season seriously. Leading up to Christ's crucifixion, we're supposed to mourn him - to be humbled and saddened by the seriousness of what happened.

And when He is risen, we're supposed to take seriously the supreme joy and life-giving-ness of this event. To be amazed and totally content and joyful at what has been done so that we may live.

But I guess I normally don't feel that way during Easter season. I know I should, but since I know He defeats death and we are saved because of Him, I sometimes hard it find to truly mourn in the days leading up to Sunday.

But I think this dramatic shift in weather this week has been an interesting metaphor for this season... I don't know, maybe that's a little hippie-ish of me (but hey, I AM going to San Francisco next week), but I've been moved - spiritually - through this week. And I credit the rain for that. And maybe that's not the most spiritually sophisticated way of looking at it, but if we believe that God created everything, I don't think it's a stretch to find these meanings in all of his creation.

I'm also quite happy this week because I'm currently on DAY 2 OF 10 OF MY VACATION! I can hardly even wrap my head around how long of a time that is. I feel like I'm in college again.

So far, vacation has been very productive around the house. I cleaned the study, cleaned most of the kitchen, and made granola.

I was also fairly productive last weekend, cleaning our breakfast nook and finally decorating that area. You'll remember that my dad made Dave and I a table and some benches for our nook area, so that we could have a place to eat dinner that's not the couch. Last weekend, I painted the benches and spruced up the rest of the area.

Here's the result:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

The lighting in the nook is... less than ideal (can my landlord read this?), so the pictures aren't that great, but it will give you an idea of what I did.

I used "honey lemon" paint on the benches, and then bought some bright seat cushions from World Market. The candlesticks are from Anthropologie, and then candles are from Yankee Candle. Dave was slightly terrified when I walked in the door with a bag from Anthro, but I was like, "Don't freak out yet. They were 80% off." And I successfully went in and out of this store without so much as trying this on, so I'd say I deserve a pat on the back. I also successfully went to Yankee without caving on the clerk's request that I: make sure I smell the new Pink Sands candle, buy any two candles ("they're buy one, get one half off!"), be added to the mailing list, give them my email address AND my phone number, come look at the cute new candle holders, or buy a car scent. Not kidding. I wanted to tell that woman to "SUMMA DONNA. The more you talk, the more you make me NOT want to take you up on any of your offers." I even went so far as telling her my husband doesn't allow me to pick out scented candles because he has very specific tastes (only half lying...), but she was NOT deterred. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: Anthro and World Market - great customer service. Yankee Candle - you're making me rethink me love of "Mistletoe" and "Sage and Citrus."

So anyway, here we go - the results of my craft-time:

It's 4 a.m., I must be something

Of course I fell asleep last night at 8:30 and then woke up at 3:30 and have been doing "really important things" on the internet for the past hour. And by that, I mean cycling through gmail, reader, gawker, jezebel, facebook, and people for the past hour. I'm not proud of my people.com addiction. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm proud of my addiction to any of the aforementioned websites, but in particular, I'm really not proud of my people.com problem. You think I like opening up the web browser and seeing people.com listed as one of my most frequently visited websites? Dave and I both use this computer, and we all know that he does not visit people.com, so the fact that it's listed in the top 8 is really just completely on me.

Sometimes I just like to find out who wore it best. I don't know. Is that so wrong?

But I will have you know that I also researched our budget deficit extensively, so it's not all looking at papparazzi photos of Scarlett Johnasson to see if she looks pregnant. It's mostly that, but it's not totally that.

Update: not pregnant. She just had a big dinner.

Anyway, this discussion has contributed nothing to your life. I'm sorry. Let me complete redeem your time by suggesting you watch this video. Laura and I went to see The Civil Wars on Monday night and it. was. amazing. I went into the show with moderate expectations, like I hope I don't hate the next two hours of my life, but I also doesn't expect to completely love it. I find this to be a helpful attitude when going to concerts of artists I'm not too familiar with, because I'm almost never disappointed. Maybe that's overly cynical of me, but whatever. But anyway, yes, it was phenomenal. Their voices are beautiful, their chemistry is amazing, and I am officially a big fan now.

feelin' balmy

Last weekend I met up with my amazing BFF in downtown Chicago. We were standing outside talking, and all of the sudden she pulls out this weird egg-looking contraption, unscrews it, and starts glossing her lips with it. I was like, whhhhhhat is that? Sorry we were just having a deep conversation about serious issues in our lives, but ummm what is that thing and why have I never seen it?

It's the eos lip balm sphere, and because new, interesting packaging can literally sell anything (egg shapes are SO in this season, apparently), I was sold.

How cute is that? I love it. And because of its shape, I naturally imagine it has about 5 times as much balm as your typical stick, so it's a great deal, right? I may be overestimating. Actually, the BEST deal is just buying a container of vaseline for $1.99 that provides chapped lip care for 6 years and counting. Not that I would know. But, I mean, it's possible that I still use a container of vaseline that I bought my sophomore year of college. Whatever. It still works. And Yahoo! Answers has confirmed that vaseline doesn't expire. And we all know how reliable Yahoo! Answers is.

Anyway, back to the chap-egg. I bought the honeysuckle honeydew flavor, but they also have summer fruit, lemon drop, medicated tangerine (I'm not clear on why chap stick would ever need to be medicated, but the tangerine flavor sounds nice), and sweet mint. And they all come in different colors. You could totally buy 12 of these and put them in a spray-painted egg carton and give it to someone as an Easter basket. Can't you just imagine Martha Stewart doing that while she's whittling pieces of chocolate into miniature Easter bunnies for all her brunch guests?

I always wonder how Martha Stewart got so rich and famous off her craft ideas. Maybe "always" is too strong a word. I guess I only think about it when I think about her. But seriously, have you ever gone to someone's house for a holiday dinner and seen any of the crazy things she tells people to make? Like, I've never gone to an Easter dinner where there's a hand-woven basket full of crepe-paper carrots as the table centerpiece. It's like how Dancing with the Stars is the most popular show on TV, and yet, I don't know anyone who watches it. Who are those people out there watching Dancing with the Stars and making birds nests out of yarn and glitter? They're making Martha Stewart and Tom Bergeron very rich.

I should start a craft blog that only uses trinkets you can find at the checkout aisle of Walgreen's. It'll be like Martha Stewart for non-crafty, middle-class people.

Live from the Genesee Theater...

Waukegan, Illinois.

Not really a place I ever thought I'd go for a fun night out, but last night, that's exactly where we ventured.

Dave and I went to see David Sedaris at the Genessee Theater, which is a surprisingly beautiful theater in the middle of a... not very nice-looking town. Sorry, Waukegan. But, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I had never really been to an event quite like this, so I didn't know what to expect. I certainly did not expect us to be the youngest people in the theater by 30 years. I mean, young people like him, right? I was a little confused, but I always kind of enjoy when I'm one of the youngest people at an event like that, because it makes me feel like I have mature tastes. And it balances out the more juvenile forms of entertainment I enjoy, like the book I currently have on my nightstand. Am I 8 or 50?

So anyway, I thoroughly enjoy Sedaris; he is probably my favorite, funny, non-blogging writer. My love of funny bloggers opens up a whole new group of people I'm obsessed with, so let's just stick with "non-blogging" for now.

I could write about all of the funny stuff he read last night, but it wouldn't be funny coming from me, so I just suggest you read some of his stuff. That's the best review I can give.

He did share a couple of hilarious jokes, though, that I remember fully. Apparently, he likes when people share new jokes with him at book signings, and likes to pass them on during his speaking engagements. A couple of them were too dirty to re-type (but hilarious), but my favorite that he shared was:

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS!

orange you glad it's almost summer?

First of all, can we all acknowledge that the title of this post was not only something that came to my mind, but also something I chose to leave in that little box, that I could've easily erased and replaced with something else? I mean, I could erase it, but then you wouldn't truly get a feel for the hilarious jokes that run through my mind.

Anyway, news flash! People of Chicago and surrounding suburbs:

Please note that there is a new, well-priced, stylish store in the area that is not H&M. It's called Zara, and it's on Michigan Avenue right by Crate & Barrel and Ann Taylor and all of those kinds of stores.

I discovered it while in Barcelona, and because things that exist there couldn't possibly exist anywhere else, I assumed the Zara brand was confined to Spain. So I was quite excited (and slightly surprised that I'd underestimated globalized, mass-produced fashion) to find a brand new Zara in downtown Chicago this weekend.

It's probably for the best that it's a 45-minute train ride and 30-minute walk away...

I bought this fun number that just screams SUMMER to me. Hopefully summer will actually come quickly this year so I can wear it, but until then, it will wait in my closet. Don't worry, little Zara dress. I know you're new to Chicago, but I promise, it gets warm at some point.

maps (they don't love you like I love you)

For some reason, I have so much trouble waking up at 6:30 on weekdays, but on Saturdays, I'm totally wide-awake at 6 a.m. Is it because I fall asleep around 9 on Friday nights? I live a wild life, what can I say.

Right after Dave and I got married, I thought he might find it endearing that I wanted to wake up early and drink coffee and enjoy the early morning.

One person's "endearing" is another person's "annoying," apparently, so here I am typing away in our front room while he sleeps, like a normal adult human.

Lent sidenote: I haven't had caffeine since Lent began, and I've even been trying to stay away from decaf drinks, but this morning I really wanted some coffee so I made some decaf. And I must say, after a month-long coffee-making hiatus, I made some darn good joe! Sweet, sweet coffee...

Annnnd I totally sidenoted about my coffee obsession. Is that what addicts do?

So anyway, one of my favorite blogs is http://www.designspongeonline.com/. They are so creative, and always post about really interesting/beautiful things. And they do a lot of design-related before-and-afters, and I'm nothing if not a sucker for before-and-after features. I'm like, wow! there are actually people in this world who go to flea markets and buy ugly furniture for $10 and fix it up into something amazing. Here's one of my favorite examples.

I mean, I bought a $2 ugly lampshade from the sale-bin at IKEA about 3 months ago in hopes of fixing it up, and where is it right now? Still in its cellophane wrap, in the backseat of my car.

But anyway. Design*Sponge. It's this great website that both inspires me with its creativity and beauty, and makes me feel bad about not being as crafty as they are.

Yesterday they posted about a new book called Maps, so of course I immediately loved it.

There's a giveaway in the comments section, and since I love both free things and comment sections of online articles, I was drawn in right away. All I had to do was post a link to one of my favorite maps, and I now have approximately a 1 in 7,000 chance of winning this book. Apparently I am not the only person who likes maps and free things. Fingers crossed!

The map I shared was this beauty. I have no clue how accurate it is, but "accuracy" and "making sense" are two things not at all embodied by LOST, so I'm fine with it.

While perusing the comments section, as I so love to do, I came across a lot of other fun and interesting maps. Maybe I spent an entire hour looking at them this morning. And maybe I did.

Here's a selection of my favorites:

Literary San Francisco. I love this one, and not just because I'm going there later this month (woohoo!). The concept, colors, and quotes are all wonderful.

OK, I'm a sucker for a good human interest story, so this is definitely my favorite. A graphic designer in New York made it for her nephew's subway-themed birthday party; it's a Subway map of all his favorite places in NY, including his relatives' homes, Mets stadium, and the museum. I love everything about this.

Hand-cut London. The most interesting thing to me is that this map is only $60, because apparently each one is hand cut and I just don't understand how you end up making any money off that. Oh well... I'm not here to judge. Except on the basis of beauty, and so, here's a beautiful map.

A map on a baby blanket. I love it. It seems like there are easier ways to introduce a child to his or her city than painstakingly quilting every single street, but hey, some kids are visual learners. I love the idea of this.

California. I don't know why but I LOVE this. The colors, the clean lines, the framing, the placement in the home. It's beautiful.

The United Countries of Baseball. Although, I'm not sure how accurate this is, because I live in the supposed White Sox territory, and I only know like 2 Sox fans. But still, I like this map and, in honor of opening day, I thought it was a fitting addition to the list.

a serious girl

Well, it's been a while since I've written something not related to vacation or clothes or youtube videos I love, so maybe it's time for something more serious. While the aforementioned items aren't bad (oh, how I'd love to be hanging out in San Francisco wearing one of those dresses and... dancing to a youtube video...), they're not at all encompassing of the person I want to be, so let's move on for tonight.

Full disclosure - sometimes when I'm alone and bored, I go through my gmail account and read emails I wrote (or were written to me) months or years ago.

It's wonderful that gmail has so much storage space (don't ask me how "internet storage space" works - I just think it's cool), because I'm a believer that it's good to keep challenging/encouraging/loving notes from people who love and care about you. Call me emotionally needy, but I like to re-read emails from time to time - to remind myself of relationships that don't always seem present. I just think they're good reminders of God's faithfulness through people, so I like to re-read.

It's also good for me to read emails that I wrote. Sometimes it's borderline traumatizing to read things I've written in the past, because sometimes I'm like, "Really? I feel like there's no way I could've actually written those words, but there they are on the screen, staring me in the face, like "yes, Lauren, you not only thought that at one point, but you actually expressed it to another person.'"

Recently, my biggest struggles in life have been very self-focused. When I get stressed out or upset or sad, I just kind of leave it at that. Like, yes, I'm stressed out, and it makes me upset, but I'm just going to live this way for now. But I've been delving into that more lately. Like, WHY do I feel this way? And when I dig in, I realize the reasons are always very self-focused. This isn't going well for me, or that's not the way I expected it to be. And so on. Self-focused.

I think I've often thought of the emotional/spiritual/mental growth trajectory as linear and increasing. Am I saying those math words correctly? Like, time is on the X access and growth is on the Y access and they just kind of go up together. And sometimes the growth is slow so the line doesn't go up much, but it doesn't go backward. The line's just always moving up and right, or staying still.

But recently I've been thinking about how maybe that's not true. Maybe I was more mature and stronger in some ways when I was younger. Is that possible? Yikes. And is it possible to accept that, and not feel like a failure for regressing?

So tonight, I read through some emails I sent to some of my best friends while I was in Kenya 3 and a half years ago, and the biggest thing I noticed was that my struggles were mainly not focused on me. I mean, some of them were, because I was alone in another country, and also a Wheaton College senior, so yes, there was some focus on myself. But mainly, I found that I was struggling with God in a bigger way. My current struggles with Him are mostly about me and my life - but I have electronic evidence that they used to be bigger. And I want that again.

Overall, on my life trajectory of growth, I'm going up. (As I re-read that, I was like "WOW what a nerdy thing to say." See? It doesn't take years for me to regret the things I write. Sometimes it only take 15 minutes. And I'm leaving it there to prove my point)

Am I more emotionally and mentally mature than I was 3 years ago? So much more. Not even a question. And in a lot of ways, am I more spiritually mature? Definitely.

But am I as selfless and bold in my desires to see God work? Do I think of life in terms of what God's doing overall, and not just what he's doing in my life? I don't know. I think I go backwards sometimes.

And I think I'm making God smaller by focusing everything on myself. If all of the personal things I'd like God to improve suddenly improved, then what? Would I be happier with a smaller God? I mean, that's terrifying to me.

I feel like some people are so content in their lives, even though there are clearly many areas of their lives that aren't exactly what they'd want. But they're still content with who God is to them. And I kind of have a hard time with that. Like, uhhh how can you be content when not every minute of every day is meaningful in the way you'd like it to be? Non-sensical.

I am - by nature - a restless person, so that line of thinking to me is... crazy.

I've never been able to figure people like that out.

But I think I'm sort of getting it now. Maybe, for those people, their struggles are way more focused on others, and way less focused on themselves. So they don't need everything to be personally relevant - or perfect - in order to be joyful and content. Is that right? Is the person I'm describing you? If so, feel free to confirm or deny my revelation.

let the sunshine in

This is a new segment I call "REALLY?! with Seth and Amy and Lauren"

Really, midwest? It's snowing right now? It was 65 last week and now it's snowing? REALLY?!

This has been "REALLY?! with just Lauren even though I pretend like I'm on SNL sometimes and Seth and Amy are my friends and it's sad ok bye."

ANYWAY. Isn't it sad that this is how we live? It's like, every year we KNOW it's going to get warm in March, and then get cold again. And yet we complain about it, like, isn't this horrible? No, it's not horrible. It's where we've chosen to live. And yet, I continue to complain. Ahh, the circle of the seasons. Never does it change... unless you move further south.

Speaking of seasons and needing sunshine, let's all listen to a classic tune by fellow sunshine lovers, The Fifth Dimension:

LOVE IT. The gentleman in this song wants sunshine SO badly. I feel your pain, dude. Maybe he's talking about drugs, now that I think about it. I mean, these are the 60s we're talking about, here. Who knows. Don't care. I just want to let the sunshine in. Let it in.

Anyway, the above song is on the Forrest Gump soundtrack, and another gem on this soundtrack is... "San Francisco (Be sure to wear flowers in your hair)"

Well, Scott McKenzie, I WILL go to San Francisco! And I may even wear flowers in my hair. Is that too cliched? Dave and I just booked tickets yesterday for our April getaway! Neither of us have ever been, and we've both always wanted to go, so we can't wait! So far, I only have 3 things on my to-do list:

1. take a twilight tour of Alcatraz

2. see the Full House house

3. transport back to the 60s

I think that's it.

Anyone else have any awesome suggestions? We have 4 days to pack full of northern California fun!

Just one of them days

You know what I mean?

Today I kept thinking to myself, "it's just one of those days..." and then, of course, I'd start singing the Monica song in my head (these were the high points in my day).

I could write more about how blah I feel today. But wouldn't we all just rather watch a performance from ALL THAT?

Seriously. The first version of this song that came up when I googled "Just one of them days Monica" was a performance from ALL THAT:

Oh, mid-90's R&B... you never let me down.

save the date: may 13

New Bridesmaids trailer! Can't. Wait.

It's Spring! (ish)

I know - I live in Illinois, where people will laugh at you if you EVER assume winter is over. Until July. And then it's like, "yeah, it's hot now, but it's going to be cold soon."

There could easily be snow for the next two months, so I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself, but... I'm going to, anyway. It's sunny, and I'm happy. It's beautiful outside today - sunny and not cold. True, it's definitely not even close to warm yet, but if I can say it's "not cold," that's a good thing.

Since spring is coming soon, and I'm so excited about it, here are a few happy things I'm looking forward to -

Tonight: March Madness begins! My pick to win it all is... Notre Dame. My reasoning? No idea. I literally just looked at the AP poll and picked them. An extra special reason to tune in this year will be the presence of hilarious NBA commentator and best-selling author Charles Barkley. YES.

April 2: ELTON JOHN ON SNL! I'm not confident about his acting skills... at all... But I am so excited to see him perform. Although, I often get excited by SNL guests/musical acts, only to waste 1.5 hours of my life watching them do a competely mediocre job, but, oh well. I'll keep my hopes high for Elton. In other SNL news, for anyone who didn't watch last night, please watch the hilarious monologue, but feel free to skip the rest of the show. You'll thank me.

April 6: Going to see David Sedaris! This was my Valentine's Day gift from Dave, and I must say, he did a great job. I would take this over flowers and candy or whatever else any day.

April 11: Going to see The Civil Wars downtown with Laura Leonard! Yes, that is a sentence that I wrote. The Civil Wars. Of course I'm going with Laura, because do you think I discovered this band on my own? Obviously not. Anyway, this outing includes a few of my favorite things: going downtown, going downtown without having to wear a coat, and live music. So, yay!

April 24. Easter! See my last post for more on this...

Week after Easter: Going on vacation (hopefully). Dave and I are most likely going somewhere warm and relaxing for a week, and I cannot wait for this. We haven't made definite plans yet, but are thinking maybe a cheap cruise. Not sure. Any recommendations? My only qualification for this trip is that we go somewhere warm, so I can wear the following...

this:

or this:

and this:

That's it for me. I went from "possibility of snow in the next two months" to bathing suits in one short blog post. I'm an idealist, what can I say.

Anyone else unusually psyched for late March and April this year?

EDIT: Right after I posted this, Dave read it and said: "OH MY GOSH. Lauren. You totally forgot to write about the most important part of April. Well, Easter's the most important part of April... (cricket, cricket) But right after that is we're Bulls season-ticket holders and the playoffs start in April!" So, yes, I'm excited to make back our initial investment by selling our playoff tickets to rich people through Chicagoland. And to go to some of the games, of course, to cheer on our favorite Bull, Derrick Rose:

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, which is exciting in and of itself, but also terrible, because I'm exhausted and it's still ONLY Wednesday.

But seriously, it's all good.

Normally for Lent, I choose to give up something like chocolate or coffee. And while those are two big vices for me, so giving them up is a big challenge, I don't feel like I've ever truly come out of the Easter season feeling like I really got it. Like I fully understood the purpose of celebrating this season through giving something up.

I think I've tended to view Lent as more of a challenge than a spiritual discipline. My view has been more like "I just have to get through X more days and then I can drink coffee again" instead of joyfully land obediently iving in that season - the way it was meant to be experienced.

So this year, Dave and I have both felt called (for me, at least, this calling has been stronger and different than my usual desires to give something up at Lent) to do a modified fast for Lent.

We're kind of basing it off the Daniel fast, but we've changed it a little bit. We'll be eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, some oils, tofu, and a couple of other things. We've also added in chicken and wine, because we don't feel the need to completely give up meat or alcohol, although we certainly want to cut back. I'm a carnivore at heart.

Anyway, I'm feeling calm today, as I enter into this season - not anxious, like I usually do. I want to view this season more as something I'm excited about being in because of what's going to come out of it.

And I also wanted to put this in a public forum, so that - if you're so inclined - you can pray for us and hold us accountable.

Giving and Grieving

The title of this post reminds me of a Freaks & Geeks episode. Like "Noshing and Moshing" or "Discos and Dragons."

That show was so great.

And now Daniel Desario hosts the Academy Awards stoned and Linda Cardellini is nowhere to be found (sad).

Anyway, I titled this post this way because today I gave away a bunch of clothes, and then I grieved. Maybe "grieve" is too strong a word, but I couldn't think of a word that starts with "G" that means "was kind of hard but I will probably forget about all of it soon enough."

Lately I've been realizing I have too many items of clothing - Dave and I share two closets (small closets, but still) and then I use part of a dresser and part of another closet. And that's not counting all of the clothing laying on the floor, which is - sadly - quite a bit.

So today I realized I needed to go through a bunch of it and throw away anything I haven't worn recently. For some reason, it's not until being faced with throwing away something that I'm like, "Ohh I can't throw that away! I'm planning to wear it someday when I have a really fancy event to go to and have lost 5 pounds in my butt and grow 3 inches and magically start looking good in that color!" It's like, I try something on a million times and it always looks off, but then I can never bring myself to get rid of it. But today, I ransacked my closets and did away with a ton of stuff. And it felt great.

However, as much as I'd like to think I'm not a pack-rat, I still have a hard time throwing away things that have sentimental value to me. The following items survived the purge today:

My cheap, Forever 21 college graduation dress. I bought it with my own money, in college, so I know it must've been cheap because I never had more than $20 to my name at any one time during college. Yes, it's cute, but I rarely wear it. There's just something about graduation clothes, though. It took me a good few years to finally get rid of my high school graduation dress. It didn't fit after I started college (I'm sureeeee) but I kept it anyway. There's just something special about it. That's how I felt about this dress. In a way, it's my last tangible link to those years of my life - something that's always there in my house even as time keeps passing on.

This scarf-esque wrap I bought in Kenya. It's kind of an awkward size and texture, and it's not really a scarf or wrap. I haven't worn it since I returned from Kenya in 2007 and can't imagine that I'll ever wear it again. I bought it at the end of my trip, when I was in Nairobi for a few nights before flying home. It got cold at night, so I would wear it when some friends and I would go out to dinner at night. It'd be weird to wear here - there's so many other options for scarfs that actually fit and feel right, that it'd be weird to go out wearing it. It's not cute, and I've never been tempted to wear it here as I did there. But I guess that's what I like about it so much - that when I was wearing it in Kenya, I didn't think about any of those things.

My wedding shoes. Trust me - I love these babies and have definitely tried to wear them several times since the wedding. But they don't fit. Either my feet have grown or the shoes somehow shrank - either way, they're painful and I can't wear them. But I love them - and they're my wedding shoes - and I feel like, even though I'll never wear anything from that day again (dress? no. shoes? no. fur wrap? I'd like to say yes, but realistically, I'm not Elizabeth Taylor) I don't think I'll ever be able to give any of it away.

sunday morning

Morning Run. Well, morning run/walk. I was stopped by frequent stretching sessions, almost rolling my ankle on the snow, desires to walk and take pictures, and an almost disastrous run-in with a cross-country skier. On the Prairie Path. Ummm? I didn't ask questions.

I have a lot on my mind this morning (thus the outdoor run), and I can't really write about it eloquently enough here without sounding whiny and self-obsessed, so I just want to quote some scripture that just totally gives me comfort and peace and joy right now. And I'm using The Message. Oh, yes, I am.

I used to hate The Message, because I just thought it was corny and too... something. But after hearing someone I really respect use it frequently - and speak about why he likes it - it's definitely growing on me. This verse, in particular, is so real to me, so I wanted to share.

Now read this and look at the beautiful pictures of nature above and just soak it in.

_________

"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King - God, I need your help.

Every morning

you'll hear me at it again.

Every morning

I lay out the pieces of my life

on your altar

and watch for fire to descend."

-Psalm 5:3