a serious girl

Well, it's been a while since I've written something not related to vacation or clothes or youtube videos I love, so maybe it's time for something more serious. While the aforementioned items aren't bad (oh, how I'd love to be hanging out in San Francisco wearing one of those dresses and... dancing to a youtube video...), they're not at all encompassing of the person I want to be, so let's move on for tonight.

Full disclosure - sometimes when I'm alone and bored, I go through my gmail account and read emails I wrote (or were written to me) months or years ago.

It's wonderful that gmail has so much storage space (don't ask me how "internet storage space" works - I just think it's cool), because I'm a believer that it's good to keep challenging/encouraging/loving notes from people who love and care about you. Call me emotionally needy, but I like to re-read emails from time to time - to remind myself of relationships that don't always seem present. I just think they're good reminders of God's faithfulness through people, so I like to re-read.

It's also good for me to read emails that I wrote. Sometimes it's borderline traumatizing to read things I've written in the past, because sometimes I'm like, "Really? I feel like there's no way I could've actually written those words, but there they are on the screen, staring me in the face, like "yes, Lauren, you not only thought that at one point, but you actually expressed it to another person.'"

Recently, my biggest struggles in life have been very self-focused. When I get stressed out or upset or sad, I just kind of leave it at that. Like, yes, I'm stressed out, and it makes me upset, but I'm just going to live this way for now. But I've been delving into that more lately. Like, WHY do I feel this way? And when I dig in, I realize the reasons are always very self-focused. This isn't going well for me, or that's not the way I expected it to be. And so on. Self-focused.

I think I've often thought of the emotional/spiritual/mental growth trajectory as linear and increasing. Am I saying those math words correctly? Like, time is on the X access and growth is on the Y access and they just kind of go up together. And sometimes the growth is slow so the line doesn't go up much, but it doesn't go backward. The line's just always moving up and right, or staying still.

But recently I've been thinking about how maybe that's not true. Maybe I was more mature and stronger in some ways when I was younger. Is that possible? Yikes. And is it possible to accept that, and not feel like a failure for regressing?

So tonight, I read through some emails I sent to some of my best friends while I was in Kenya 3 and a half years ago, and the biggest thing I noticed was that my struggles were mainly not focused on me. I mean, some of them were, because I was alone in another country, and also a Wheaton College senior, so yes, there was some focus on myself. But mainly, I found that I was struggling with God in a bigger way. My current struggles with Him are mostly about me and my life - but I have electronic evidence that they used to be bigger. And I want that again.

Overall, on my life trajectory of growth, I'm going up. (As I re-read that, I was like "WOW what a nerdy thing to say." See? It doesn't take years for me to regret the things I write. Sometimes it only take 15 minutes. And I'm leaving it there to prove my point)

Am I more emotionally and mentally mature than I was 3 years ago? So much more. Not even a question. And in a lot of ways, am I more spiritually mature? Definitely.

But am I as selfless and bold in my desires to see God work? Do I think of life in terms of what God's doing overall, and not just what he's doing in my life? I don't know. I think I go backwards sometimes.

And I think I'm making God smaller by focusing everything on myself. If all of the personal things I'd like God to improve suddenly improved, then what? Would I be happier with a smaller God? I mean, that's terrifying to me.

I feel like some people are so content in their lives, even though there are clearly many areas of their lives that aren't exactly what they'd want. But they're still content with who God is to them. And I kind of have a hard time with that. Like, uhhh how can you be content when not every minute of every day is meaningful in the way you'd like it to be? Non-sensical.

I am - by nature - a restless person, so that line of thinking to me is... crazy.

I've never been able to figure people like that out.

But I think I'm sort of getting it now. Maybe, for those people, their struggles are way more focused on others, and way less focused on themselves. So they don't need everything to be personally relevant - or perfect - in order to be joyful and content. Is that right? Is the person I'm describing you? If so, feel free to confirm or deny my revelation.

let the sunshine in

This is a new segment I call "REALLY?! with Seth and Amy and Lauren"

Really, midwest? It's snowing right now? It was 65 last week and now it's snowing? REALLY?!

This has been "REALLY?! with just Lauren even though I pretend like I'm on SNL sometimes and Seth and Amy are my friends and it's sad ok bye."

ANYWAY. Isn't it sad that this is how we live? It's like, every year we KNOW it's going to get warm in March, and then get cold again. And yet we complain about it, like, isn't this horrible? No, it's not horrible. It's where we've chosen to live. And yet, I continue to complain. Ahh, the circle of the seasons. Never does it change... unless you move further south.

Speaking of seasons and needing sunshine, let's all listen to a classic tune by fellow sunshine lovers, The Fifth Dimension:

LOVE IT. The gentleman in this song wants sunshine SO badly. I feel your pain, dude. Maybe he's talking about drugs, now that I think about it. I mean, these are the 60s we're talking about, here. Who knows. Don't care. I just want to let the sunshine in. Let it in.

Anyway, the above song is on the Forrest Gump soundtrack, and another gem on this soundtrack is... "San Francisco (Be sure to wear flowers in your hair)"

Well, Scott McKenzie, I WILL go to San Francisco! And I may even wear flowers in my hair. Is that too cliched? Dave and I just booked tickets yesterday for our April getaway! Neither of us have ever been, and we've both always wanted to go, so we can't wait! So far, I only have 3 things on my to-do list:

1. take a twilight tour of Alcatraz

2. see the Full House house

3. transport back to the 60s

I think that's it.

Anyone else have any awesome suggestions? We have 4 days to pack full of northern California fun!

Just one of them days

You know what I mean?

Today I kept thinking to myself, "it's just one of those days..." and then, of course, I'd start singing the Monica song in my head (these were the high points in my day).

I could write more about how blah I feel today. But wouldn't we all just rather watch a performance from ALL THAT?

Seriously. The first version of this song that came up when I googled "Just one of them days Monica" was a performance from ALL THAT:

Oh, mid-90's R&B... you never let me down.

save the date: may 13

New Bridesmaids trailer! Can't. Wait.

It's Spring! (ish)

I know - I live in Illinois, where people will laugh at you if you EVER assume winter is over. Until July. And then it's like, "yeah, it's hot now, but it's going to be cold soon."

There could easily be snow for the next two months, so I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself, but... I'm going to, anyway. It's sunny, and I'm happy. It's beautiful outside today - sunny and not cold. True, it's definitely not even close to warm yet, but if I can say it's "not cold," that's a good thing.

Since spring is coming soon, and I'm so excited about it, here are a few happy things I'm looking forward to -

Tonight: March Madness begins! My pick to win it all is... Notre Dame. My reasoning? No idea. I literally just looked at the AP poll and picked them. An extra special reason to tune in this year will be the presence of hilarious NBA commentator and best-selling author Charles Barkley. YES.

April 2: ELTON JOHN ON SNL! I'm not confident about his acting skills... at all... But I am so excited to see him perform. Although, I often get excited by SNL guests/musical acts, only to waste 1.5 hours of my life watching them do a competely mediocre job, but, oh well. I'll keep my hopes high for Elton. In other SNL news, for anyone who didn't watch last night, please watch the hilarious monologue, but feel free to skip the rest of the show. You'll thank me.

April 6: Going to see David Sedaris! This was my Valentine's Day gift from Dave, and I must say, he did a great job. I would take this over flowers and candy or whatever else any day.

April 11: Going to see The Civil Wars downtown with Laura Leonard! Yes, that is a sentence that I wrote. The Civil Wars. Of course I'm going with Laura, because do you think I discovered this band on my own? Obviously not. Anyway, this outing includes a few of my favorite things: going downtown, going downtown without having to wear a coat, and live music. So, yay!

April 24. Easter! See my last post for more on this...

Week after Easter: Going on vacation (hopefully). Dave and I are most likely going somewhere warm and relaxing for a week, and I cannot wait for this. We haven't made definite plans yet, but are thinking maybe a cheap cruise. Not sure. Any recommendations? My only qualification for this trip is that we go somewhere warm, so I can wear the following...

this:

or this:

and this:

That's it for me. I went from "possibility of snow in the next two months" to bathing suits in one short blog post. I'm an idealist, what can I say.

Anyone else unusually psyched for late March and April this year?

EDIT: Right after I posted this, Dave read it and said: "OH MY GOSH. Lauren. You totally forgot to write about the most important part of April. Well, Easter's the most important part of April... (cricket, cricket) But right after that is we're Bulls season-ticket holders and the playoffs start in April!" So, yes, I'm excited to make back our initial investment by selling our playoff tickets to rich people through Chicagoland. And to go to some of the games, of course, to cheer on our favorite Bull, Derrick Rose:

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, which is exciting in and of itself, but also terrible, because I'm exhausted and it's still ONLY Wednesday.

But seriously, it's all good.

Normally for Lent, I choose to give up something like chocolate or coffee. And while those are two big vices for me, so giving them up is a big challenge, I don't feel like I've ever truly come out of the Easter season feeling like I really got it. Like I fully understood the purpose of celebrating this season through giving something up.

I think I've tended to view Lent as more of a challenge than a spiritual discipline. My view has been more like "I just have to get through X more days and then I can drink coffee again" instead of joyfully land obediently iving in that season - the way it was meant to be experienced.

So this year, Dave and I have both felt called (for me, at least, this calling has been stronger and different than my usual desires to give something up at Lent) to do a modified fast for Lent.

We're kind of basing it off the Daniel fast, but we've changed it a little bit. We'll be eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, some oils, tofu, and a couple of other things. We've also added in chicken and wine, because we don't feel the need to completely give up meat or alcohol, although we certainly want to cut back. I'm a carnivore at heart.

Anyway, I'm feeling calm today, as I enter into this season - not anxious, like I usually do. I want to view this season more as something I'm excited about being in because of what's going to come out of it.

And I also wanted to put this in a public forum, so that - if you're so inclined - you can pray for us and hold us accountable.

Giving and Grieving

The title of this post reminds me of a Freaks & Geeks episode. Like "Noshing and Moshing" or "Discos and Dragons."

That show was so great.

And now Daniel Desario hosts the Academy Awards stoned and Linda Cardellini is nowhere to be found (sad).

Anyway, I titled this post this way because today I gave away a bunch of clothes, and then I grieved. Maybe "grieve" is too strong a word, but I couldn't think of a word that starts with "G" that means "was kind of hard but I will probably forget about all of it soon enough."

Lately I've been realizing I have too many items of clothing - Dave and I share two closets (small closets, but still) and then I use part of a dresser and part of another closet. And that's not counting all of the clothing laying on the floor, which is - sadly - quite a bit.

So today I realized I needed to go through a bunch of it and throw away anything I haven't worn recently. For some reason, it's not until being faced with throwing away something that I'm like, "Ohh I can't throw that away! I'm planning to wear it someday when I have a really fancy event to go to and have lost 5 pounds in my butt and grow 3 inches and magically start looking good in that color!" It's like, I try something on a million times and it always looks off, but then I can never bring myself to get rid of it. But today, I ransacked my closets and did away with a ton of stuff. And it felt great.

However, as much as I'd like to think I'm not a pack-rat, I still have a hard time throwing away things that have sentimental value to me. The following items survived the purge today:

My cheap, Forever 21 college graduation dress. I bought it with my own money, in college, so I know it must've been cheap because I never had more than $20 to my name at any one time during college. Yes, it's cute, but I rarely wear it. There's just something about graduation clothes, though. It took me a good few years to finally get rid of my high school graduation dress. It didn't fit after I started college (I'm sureeeee) but I kept it anyway. There's just something special about it. That's how I felt about this dress. In a way, it's my last tangible link to those years of my life - something that's always there in my house even as time keeps passing on.

This scarf-esque wrap I bought in Kenya. It's kind of an awkward size and texture, and it's not really a scarf or wrap. I haven't worn it since I returned from Kenya in 2007 and can't imagine that I'll ever wear it again. I bought it at the end of my trip, when I was in Nairobi for a few nights before flying home. It got cold at night, so I would wear it when some friends and I would go out to dinner at night. It'd be weird to wear here - there's so many other options for scarfs that actually fit and feel right, that it'd be weird to go out wearing it. It's not cute, and I've never been tempted to wear it here as I did there. But I guess that's what I like about it so much - that when I was wearing it in Kenya, I didn't think about any of those things.

My wedding shoes. Trust me - I love these babies and have definitely tried to wear them several times since the wedding. But they don't fit. Either my feet have grown or the shoes somehow shrank - either way, they're painful and I can't wear them. But I love them - and they're my wedding shoes - and I feel like, even though I'll never wear anything from that day again (dress? no. shoes? no. fur wrap? I'd like to say yes, but realistically, I'm not Elizabeth Taylor) I don't think I'll ever be able to give any of it away.